Marriage After Baby

Maintaining a strong relationship after having a baby is not an easy thing to do. There are so many changes. There are so many added responsibilities and there's much less time to get everything done. Much less. Sleep deprivation is running rampant and postpartum hormones are out to stir things up at any chance they get - thanks for that, hormones.

They say that men's marital satisfaction actually shows an increase during the few months following the birth of a first child. Then, a few months down the line it shows a steady decline. For women, they say the decrease in satisfaction happens immediately (mostly due to hormonal and any drastic lifestyle changes), although, in some cases, the "new baby high" lasts for both parents throughout the first year and then the reality of parenting kicks in sometime after the baby's first birthday.

For majority of couples there seems to be a common denominator in this decrease in marital satisfaction - the division of responsibilities and a lack of communication. Ding, ding, ding, ding! 

I'm not sure where we fall with those statistics. We haven't necessarily had a decrease in marital satisfaction, but I do think we have to work a little harder. We have our moments and they definitely happen more often than they used to. 

I do think, however, that the simple acknowledgment that this is something very common and taking the time to talk about our responsibilities - who will do the majority of 'x' chore and who will take care of 'y' - can make a WORLD of a difference. The power of a conversation can be amazing.

- Some people suggest to get your communication on during walks with the baby. This way, you both are looking ahead rather than face to face which eliminates misread body language or damage from unintentional eye rolls. -

For the past week, John and I have spent more time together than we have in a long, long time. In this short time, I feel like our relationship and understanding of one another has been revived, in a way. We both see how hard the other works, whether on the job or at home, and we are both appreciative. But I think the real game changer has simply been that we have been TALKING. We've talked about work, about our business, about our baby and our home. We've talked about chores and how much its going to suck to have to do an emergency clean up before the bug man comes to spray the house. ;) But we've also had the chance to talk about the small things, the silly things, and the unimportant things. The things that connect us and make us laugh together. The things that were the only things before there were other things. (You follow?) 

Like I always say, I know everyone and every situation is different and I am not an expert by any means. It's still early in the game over here. But in our case, communication has been key at this point. Taking the time to connect to one another again and to BE FRIENDS again, has made us a better team and with that we can be better parents - happy parents.

A little time apart spent with friends is important, too!

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Why I Am Letting Go Of "Wife Guilt"

Nowadays, modern moms and dads likely share much of their day equally when it comes to both home maintenance and parenting without relying on traditional gender roles to divvy up the ever-growing list of responsibilities. But in some households, like ours, it just works better to stick with tradition a little, but I have found there to be one caveat - what I like to call "wife guilt".

Photo by Caroline Nicole Photography

We all know about the all-too-common "mommy guilt" that plagues us when we let that DVD run for the second (or - eek! - third!) time or when we pop open some processed, store-bought baby food and leave our Beaba to collect dust. Now, I let myself fall victim to even MORE guilt when my husband walks through our door at night and I am taking advantage of these  baby-free hours of the day to get some "play time" in. Pinning, tweeting, blogging... the fun stuff. The relaxing stuff.

I can just "feel" his eyes peering into the sink full of dirty dishes with disappointment or stepping over that pile of laundry that hasn't yet made its way to the washing machine shaking his head with dismay. In reality, he understands. But that guilt is a powerful thing and it convinces me that he must care and that I have failed.

Most nights, I have just gotten off my feet maybe 30 minutes before he gets home. I try to reason with my inner self. I'm not only a mom and a wife but I'm also technically always on the clock with running our online store and helping keep our manufacturing and inventory organized at our shop - even on days that I work from home I am working on and off throughout the day. And it's busy season, self! 

This plethora of unnecessary stress is thrown onto me by my guilt-ridden conscience. Deep down, I know that my husband doesn't mind our less than perfect household. John knows I am trying my best - we both are trying our best. I need to, and maybe most of us - husbands and wives alike - need to, let go of the quest for perfection. Let go of the spotless kitchens and shining sinks. Let go of the perfectly balanced and homemade meals and children with perfectly matched clothing. I will let go of the thoughts of inadequacy that tell me that I am failing as a wife because I can't do everything on my to-do list by the end of the day, week, month, year. And that's ok. And John knows that's ok. I need to remember that it is OK.

Photo by Caroline Nicole Photography

When we made the decision to marry one another, it wasn't for our abilities to wash the most loads of laundry in one week or because one of us had the cleanest sink in town. In our marriage, as a team, we shouldn't search for each others' faults or pass judgment on one another when a fault emerges. When John comes home at the end of the day to the mess that currently is our home, he knows that I am trying my best everyday and I know that he is, too. And me, I guess I can kick that "wife guilt" to the curb.

Photo by Caroline Nicole Photography

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